Could someone read and critique this?

This is just a rough draft and I'm looking to improve it





Chapter 1


';You okay Forest?'; I asked my boyfriend worriedly.


';Oh yea, just...tired.';


';Okay.'; I gave him a sideways glance. He had been acting strangely lately, sometimes avoiding me, and sometimes almost suffocating me with attention. I did not want to think about what it all meant. Not tonight anyway, on our eighteen month anniversary.


We resumed eating in silence, unusual for us when we sometimes stumbled over our words and interrupted each other in our rush to say something.


The walk back through the parking lot to Forest's ancient little Accord was almost just as silent. I felt so awkward and I was almost squirming in my own skin. This was the first date I was wishing was over early.


';Hey...Sadie, can we talk.';


';Sure.'; I gave a short, fake sounding laugh that made me wince when I heard it. ';What do you want to talk about?';


';Us. I've just been wondering if this is really working for us.'; He looked at me with those gorgeous brown eyes of his, begging me to make this easy for him. ';We've just been so awkward lately, and we're both so busy...I'm just trying to say that...it's really my fault you know...';


I started to feel tears clog my eyelashes. I had dreaded this day for weeks, the final rejection.


He kept stumbling over his words, trying to comfort himself - that was who this was about anyway, himself, and the beautiful girl he probably was thinking about. Was it Mandie? She had been after him for months...not that I could blame her.


';I get it.'; I said, breaking into his stumbling, ashamed of the way my voice cracked. ';You want us to break up.';


';I still want to be your friend,'; he said, taking my hand.


';Yea, me to.'; I mumbled, trying not to cry. How was this possible? Where did I go wrong?


We got in the car and he drove me home in silence. I was trying to pretend the tears leaking out of my eyes weren't there, knowing that they would just confirm what I had feared all along. That I was a pathetic, clingy girlfriend whose boyfriend had no choice but to dump her.


I stumbled up the steps in my heels, slowly unlocking the door, happy that at least my grandparents weren't home yet from their meeting.


I walked like I was in a daze towards my room, ignoring the bed and throwing myself down on my beanbag, sobbing. After my loud pity party was over I walked over to the bathroom and looked in the mirror.


Swollen eyes that weren't a spectacular color even when they didn't have red in them - muddy brown, really. Pale, splotchy face, body nothing to brag about, too tall and awkwardly big in the wrong places, my hair was all right, long and naturally straight, a deep dark red color, but who cared? Forest had rejected me, and I was drowning.


He had first befriended me when I had mCould someone read and critique this?
At the beginning, I was left wondering where exactly they were. I had to piece it together from ';we resumed eating'; and such things. Based on the presence of a parking lot, I assume that they're in a restaurant. If so, how fancy? Who paid the bill? Is there alcohol (are they old enough to drink)?





When writing, try to paint a picture of what is going on. It gives the reader some context in which to view the situation.





Another thing I noticed is that most of the interaction is in dialog. Though there is some mention of Forest looking at Sadie, there is a lack of body language description. Does Forest hold her hands while they break up? If not, are Sadie's hands clutched in fists and she tries not to cry? Does she bite her lip to hold back the tears?





The description of Sadie seems almost out-of-place as well. It isn't tied into her emotions as completely as it could be. How does she feel about here eyes? If Forest just broke up with her, is she maybe wondering what is wrong with her to make him not love her anymore? Don't describe Sadie just to fit her description in there. If it doesn't move the scene forward in some way, get rid of it.





Overall, you did a good job though. Your grammar is actually quite good; there weren't any mistakes bad enough to distract me from reading. Just try to flesh out the description a bit. :)Could someone read and critique this?
Better grammar, add more details and make the descriptions more vivid, add more emotion.
Has some word issues such as ';worriedly'; not being a word. You use ';ly'; too often and the girls names are too close, both have an ';ie'; on the end.





The ';eighteen month anniversary'; part seems like overkill. Just say that they had been dating for awhile in a different way.





The story is normal now, nothing special. It's fine for an introduction, but something new needs to happen soon.





It's an okay start. Keep going.
good just fix your grammar and add some more details
If this is pleasure writing (writing for yourself) its good.





Publicly,


Cut down words not needed.





I'll do my best; I'm not good at cutting down words either; I treasure my words too much.





';You okay Forest?'; I asked my boyfriend.


';Yep. Just... tired.';


';Okay,'; I gave him a sideways glance. He had been strange lately -- he would avoid me then be chokingly attentive. I avoided the thought because tonight was our eighteen month anniversary.


We ate in an silence. (I don't get the next part)


The walk to Forest's car was silent, too. I felt awkward, perhaps because this was the first date with him I wanted over early.


';Sadie, can we talk?';


';Sure,'; I gave a fake laugh, ';What's up?


';Us,'; he said, ';I've just been wondering if this is really working for us.';


His gorgeous eyes pleaded for this to be easy.


Forest continued, ';We've just been so awkward lately, and we're both so busy...I'm just trying to say that...it's really my fault you know...';


I dreaded this moment, and I started to tear up. Mandie was after him; I couldn't blame her, but she was beautiful.


';I get it,'; I was ashamed at how my voice cracked, ';You want us to break up.';


He took my hand, ';I still want to be your friend.';


';Yea, me too,'; I mumbled. What did I do?


He drove me home in silence.





Damn, 18 months? Breaking up with a girl over lust? Pathetic! lol