What do you think of the beginning of my short story.?

shock. Unprepared for re-entering the territory of her youth and facing the memories that might evoke. A sickly churning started in Chloe's stomach, then suddenly the dark outline of what had been her home for so many years loomed into view, for the first time in 8 years. Holding her breathe she forced herself to look at it. The tears scorched the back of her eyes as she drank everything in. It looked just as it did in her sweat-soaked nightmares. The dull grey eyes of the concrete statue gazed sadly back at her, his voice whispering 'welcome home' in the softly stirring breeze. Stepping shakily and Peering round the corner her heart gave a painful lurch as her eyes rested on her old room-The place where she had experience the few happy; and many sad parts of her childhood. Chloe blinked rapidly holding her stringing tears at bay and determinedly trying to remove the clammy hand of dread that was gripping her by the throat. Night after night, Chloe was haunted by distorted visions of everything that she had experiences throughout her life, all twisted together in a macabre plot line of her own minds making, and always ending the same way- Chloe's disappointing breathe a raging sea of blood as the culprit stood by watching and laughing with one evil desire:to destroy her. Chloe could hear her breathe rasping shallowly in her chest, as the dark shadow of her past blanketed over her like a cold dead hand. Then suddenly her mind was filled with reflection





panic. Running round like a lost puppy Chloe struggled to find a better hiding place than behind the torn, old, damp settee. As nothing more than a terrified 8 year old girl this was the best she could come up with. A throb of fear burst to life in her throat as her tired and welled up eyes followed the evil shadow getting closer, closer and closer. she smelled the anger emerging from the monster and jumped at every thudding step she heard. The shadow took solid form. She unsuprisingly saw her drunken mother stumbbling in the door way. ';CHLOE'; her mother screched. ';ha ha'; her mum cackled. This sent shivers down chloe's spine. ';You actually think i am that stupid you silly cow'; she continued. Chloe peered from behind the settee, she felt sick. Trapped. Turning to run, she screamed when her mothers hand shot out and grabbed her skinny leg ';No mammy no'; Chloe squeeled- this made no difference. Maggie gripped Chloe's hair and dragged her as if she was a rag doll.This causing Chloe to releasing a shocking yelp of terror, she stared up in fear at her mums livid face and her crazy eyes shaking in the dim lite through her rats tales. Maggies mouth was drawn so tight it looked like the knot at the end of a baloon. Chloe felt the room closing in on her as her mothers hand flew towards her and sent her plunging to the floor. After several hits Chole lifted her batted face off the floor with a struggle thinking it was all over. She was wrong. Feeling a deathly blow to the back of her head, she through her hand up and wasn't surprised to feel a warm wetness. Bringing her hand around her face , she stared at her crisom-stained fingers.Chloe sat in silence watching the scowling withch leave the room and hearing her sarcastic voice call ';And this is how you treat a mum you love Chloe is it? IS IT?';. Chloe bit back the cutting report that sprang to the tip of her tounge. Tears of sorrow at this rejection and unfair justice streamed down her face. Folding her arms and crossing her legs - a tight simultaneous action that displayed how taughtly her nerves were streched, Chloe sat and continued to sob.What do you think of the beginning of my short story.?
Please, love, cut out the text type of writing. 'Wot u,' and 'Wot cud' isn't English. it's just a nuisance. And it's even more uncalled for, because you write very well. There are a number of typos and small mistakes in the narrative, but generally speaking it's very good. Read it into a tape recorder and play it back. You'll pick most, if not all of them up this way, although as you say, you haven't checked them yet.


Get hold of a book on how to set out dialogue, or look for a site on the Net that shows you. You're only 14, though, and I think you've done a really good job. But please cut out the text business!!!


Good luck


Mike BWhat do you think of the beginning of my short story.?
It didn't pop to me.
Very nice. However cut down the paragraphs if you want people to actually read it. You dont want to bore your readers!