Hows my story so far?

ok im writing a story but i only have 2 chapters done.can you tell me what you think of it so far and how i can improve it?





Capter 1


Zroom-room-room-room.My dad tried starting the engine of our R.V.';We have everything right?';he asked.';Yeah i think so.';my mom replied.I sighed.Its not that i didnt like car rides or being with my family or being in the R.V for long periods of time.I loved car rides.Once I started riding i dreaded stopping.My family was pretty fun.And the R.V wasnt that bad.But outside of the R.V ... that was a whole diffrent soty.I hated it all.The bugs,the heat, ichy grass, sappy sticky trees, the smell, everything.And unfortuanly me and my family were going to be hicking for a whole week.Thats what i was absoulty dreading.';Scooth your bootch.';My sister Kayla said interupting my thoughts.I scooted over on the couch.';No need to look so grumpy Ruthie';my other sister Alyce said to me.';Its just camping.';';Oh yeah just being outside wear theres tons of bears and cougars waiting to eat you.'; I said.';T--Th-Theres bears and cougars here.';Kayla said.';Its ok Kayla if there is well push Ruthie in front of us all.';Cheyenne said joking.We laughed.Kayla Cheyenne and Alyce were my beloved sisters.I loved them but they made me feel left out sometimes.They were all cheerleaders and blonde.My oldest sister Alyce was shorter than me.She was in collage becoming a dentist and also cheering for out citys team the Eagles.She had blonde curly hair and wore high heels alot to look taller.My other older sister was Cheyenne.She was taller than me Alyce Kayla and my Mom.She had long blonde hair and she was really pretty.She was in collage too to become a vet.She did modeling on the side.I was easily jealous of her.Any girl was really.My other younger sister was Kayla.She had blonde hair with brown highlites.She was only a year behind me so we were close.Thern there was me.I was the second tallest of us 4.I had really dark brown hair almost black with reddish-pink highlites.I liked how i looked but i felt taboo comapared to my sisters.I yawned.The couch was really comfy.I felt my eyes getting heavier and heavier.Maybe it wouldnt be so bad to take a nap.


Chapter 2


I was running through the forest.Something was following me.I could only run so far before my stomach started to cramp.I tried to go faster but I felt like I was running in slow motion.Then i ran up a giant cliff.I ran to the edge and stopped.The beast was still following me.It was running towards me.It looked like a mass of brown and black hair.It reached out towards me and I screamed.THen jumped off the cliff.This is how im gonna die i though.Then i landed on...wait...the floor?I ... opened my eyes.


';Ruthie, sweetie, are you ok?';my mom asked.';You screamed then feel on the floor.';


';Yeah yeah.Im fine.'; I said though I wasnt entirely sure.


I stood up and walked back to the couch.We have been driving for three days.


';How much longer?';Kayla whined.


';Well be there in about an hour.';Mom said.


I sighed.This is going to be delightful.The hour went by so quickly.We were at the entrance to the park sooner then I though possible.The officer at the entrance gave each of us a map.We were hiking to a waterfall miles away.Joy.We drove to the giant parking lot.There was tons of other R.Vs and cars there.We got our camping gear out.


';Can we at least go get a shower before we start walking?'; Cheyenne asked.


';Fine.';Dad muttered.';But make it quick.I want to eat lunch here then hit the trails.';


Me,Kayla,Cheyenne,and Alyce headed to the bathrooms.


';These are sick.';I said looking at a big spider web in the corner.


';Better than nothing.';Alyce said brightly.


We took our showers (and had to listen to Cheyennes singing.)While we were heading back guys on bikes passed us.


';Hey.';one shouted.He had blonde shaggy hair and looked muscular.


';Heeyy.';Cheyenne said smiling.


';Im Ricky and this is John and Drew he pointed to the others.John was lanky and had brown-red shaggy hair and Drew was muscular and had brown curly hair.


';Im Cheyenne.And this is Ruthie,Kayla-';


';And Im Alyce.';Alyce said looking at Drew and batting her eyelashes.


';So were are you girls headed to?';Drew asked.


';Back to our R.V then we headed to Blue Water Fall.';Cheyenne explained.


';Really?Were headed to Blue Water Falls to.';Drew said.


';Thats sweet.Maybe well see you around.';Alyce said still batting her eyelids.


';See ya.';Drew said.As he passed Alyce on his bike he smacked her butt.Alyce blushed.I rolled my eyes.Not that they werent cute but they seemed like the player type.As we walked back to the trailer Alyce,Kayla,and Cheyenne discussed there hottness.


';Sorry none of them liked you Ruthie.';Kayla said.


';Its ok.Wait what?';I said confused.


';Well I dont wanna sound mean but Ricky liked Cheyenne.Who doesnt?And Drew obviously liked Alyce.And of course John liked me.';


';Psh were did you get that from.';


';Well its kinda obvious.';


Haha liked I cared.They didnt know it but I had a boyfriend at home.His nameHows my story so far?
Don't take what i am going to respond as a put down, im just here to tell you how to improve. You cannot improve unless your given all your wrongs.





Are you trying to write a novel? if so you MUST stretch our your first chapter, its only one huge paragraph. Its Choppy. It needs work. Big time. Your opening, to weak, you need to be able to grab the readers attention. Zroom-room-room-room gotta go, Would you read something that started with that? Why not something along the lines of. The shocking noise of the engine roared to life as my dad turned the key. That sort of thing.


Also in the ';1'; chapter never have two people talking in one para. It really confuses the reader.


In the beginning again, you need use of COMMAS. like the part where it is like I love car rides... Use a comma there and connect it to another sentence. I feel like you used the word RV way to much.





One thing you really need to work on is the use of detail. It is too weak, again you need to be able to grab the readers attetion. Add some use of the 5 sense (see touch taste feel hear smell.)





better yet get ride of the second chapter and combine it to the 1st. Just because it is a '; dream'; doesnt mean you have to start a new chapter, thats only a start of a new Paragraph.





Those are just a few things taht need work, I hope this helps and you use information in the best ways. You can become a great writer, you just need to become more expierenced with detail. Maybe read a few books and see how things are worded, formatted, details. Ect. and use it in the best way.


Good LuckHows my story so far?
The only thing I'd warn you about is to be careful of writing about past events in the first person. If that's the point of view you want to use, then it's more effective for the story to be happening around you. That first book is tough, I know. I wrote my first novel when I was 14 and finished it at 15. The next one was substantially better, so don't lose hope!
hmmm the story line seems interesting. i really liked the first few chapters, but if i were you i would go back and add tons more detail and descriptive language. also theres alot of dialouge in the story and its sometimes kinda hard to follow. maybe add a little more description/explanation and make the story flow a little more.


anyways it was still really great!
chapters should be much longer, unless you're making a statement about something.