here's my story also i would like a lot of comments.
Introduction
My life is like a Cinderella story… well without the happily ever after.
My name is Avril I have long chestnut brown hair with black highlights and my eyes well they’re blue like two sapphires shinning in the light. I’m 14 years old and my parents are divorced and sadly I have one horrible older sister.
Well you’re most probably thinking that doesn’t sound so bad, well you’re wrong.
It’s Monday and I woke up from a nice and peaceful sleep dreading to go back to school, but I got up and got dressed into my school uniform and got my bag ready. I headed down the long and narrow staircase and went out the front door.
Heading to the bus stop I wondered how the day will go. Will I have fun for once? Or will it just be a normal day of school. When I got to the bus stop I met my mate Lloyd and we started talking.
“Hi Lloyd, how was your weekend?” I asked him nicely.
He replied back “It was good went to town with my cousin Connor and watched a film, how did your weekend go?”
“It was ok, I didn’t do much though.” I said and then the conversation just stopped.
We waited in the freezing weather nearly turning to icicles but luckily the bus turned up. I paid the gruesome, horrible bus driver his money and then went upstairs. It took about 30 minutes to get to school and now we had arrived in the place I disliked as much as home.
The morning I thought was going to be bad didn’t turn out so bad and I will tell you why….
Because it was Monday my house group had to have there assembly today but it wasn’t the assembly that made me happy it was the surprise in it. After the headmistress Mrs. Goddard read out the school notifications she said to us all. “Children of blue-leaf house I have good news for you all, we have a new student here at Riverview high school
his name is Joey Bennett he’s going to come out and say a few words.”
When he came out onto the hall stage my heart kept racing faster and faster. He looked amazing he had short brown hair with a bit of his fringe highlighted blonde I bet every girl would want to run her hands through his hair… well I know I did and his body was tanned and he had some muscles most of the boys here didn’t even have a six pack let alone muscles.
I know from that first glance that I’d fallen in love.I've been writing a new book tell me what you think?
I'm curious as to what is going to make this any different from the original Cinderella story. Your writing is very tell, don't show, which is a problem, since readers don't want to be reminded they're reading. I'd suggest working on it, try to avoid making statements, such as ';I had long brown hair,'; instead, explain your hair, it works wonders on the keeping the attention of the audience. Also, try to avoid the Mary-Sue route, where you're perfect but have a tragic life, ect. It's very easy to fall down that path when you're working first person, so watch out for it.
Good Luck,I've been writing a new book tell me what you think?
It's good...I think it could have some potential, but try and put some more punctuation in...oh and some more description. I know as someone you know I have been nagging you about this stuff but I also want to tell you to put yourself in the shoes of Avril. Like what does she think of the other characters? Why is her life like a Cinderella story? You didn't really mention why and yes it gets me interested but to be honest, it sounds like it could be a book of another 'Cinderella Story' film. With the name Joey, it makes it even more so. I know you couldn't think of a name, but there are loads of unique names at babynames.com, so try that.
Although I do hate being so negative so I will say something really posistive: your story so far sounds like a Clarice Bean story, and in my opinion they're pretty good. And like I said, you have potential, just remember to be a bit more descriptive and flesh out the character more. Kepp writing and good luck!
~Jade XP
Thats really good.
One thing that you should or might consider adding, is like The new kid could be Supernatural or something like that, like a wizard, or even a Evil guy, like make him be an outside to the rest of the school.
Can you answer mine?
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;…
~{STP}~
It sounds like a pretty good beginning. =D However I have a few suggestions:
- Add periods, commas, etc. Basically punctuation in general for some of the sentences.
- ';Well you’re most probably thinking that doesn’t sound so bad, well you’re wrong.'; It sounds kind of awkward when you've used ';well'; before and you used ';well'; again a few words later. Maybe replace it with ';but'; or another word?
- Maybe describe some mental thoughts or something during the conversation with Lloyd. The conversation is pretty brief. Even if you wanted it like that, it seems kind of rushed. Adding additional phrases, sentences, thoughts from Avril, expressions from Lloyd (or both), etc..should help. =D
So that's basically it! Keep it up, please xD I want to know what happens next. =P
I'd liked it :D Though I'm not a huge Cinderella kinda girl but the description at the beginning was kind of regular, try to find some cool ways to incorporate it more into the stories. And ';they're blue like two sapphires shining in the light'; seems a little...over the top to me. I would never describe my eyes so....I don't know the word. But that sounds like a sentence for someone else to describe, or to describe someone else. Most people dumb themselves down and would just say ';a sapphire blue'; and Avril seems like the kind of girl who keeps to herself and doesn't really find anything about herself very amazing. But I don't know so I can't rightly say haha.
Um....remember to keep all the tenses the same....let's see....nope that's just about it. Thanks for answering my question and happy writing :D
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