Hey, This is the beginning of my essay for English, just wondering what you think of it?

Hi, this piece is for my English folio (Standard Grade/GSCE)


The task was: Write an essay about a time when you were seperated about someone you cared about and this is what i came up with....just wondering if it any good, at all, because i'm really not sure, but i want the truth, if it..well....crap...say so....or otherwise...because it's important for me





Cold September





I lay awake in my bed seeking warmth amongst my duvet in the early morning hours of a cold September day. Of all the days I had to sleep in late, thanks to my alarm clock which never seems to work, it just had to be the day my class are going on a school outing, to Edinburgh Dungeons. To be honest I couldn’t care where we were going, as any pupil would likely say to anyone, anywhere but school on a Monday is like heaven. I reluctantly slouched, if not fell, out of the warmth and comfort of my bed wishing It was all a dream and that I wasn’t late but sound asleep in the darkness of the night. But no, of course, this was no dream. I got ready for school with the dreaded thought of detention in the back of my mind and the disgruntled complaints from my mother in my ears. At least there was no rush, why hurry when I’m already late?


I stepped outside into the bitingly cold but somewhat refreshing morning air and trudged around the corner and made my way to the nearby bus stop. The street stood in silence as, not a single person was in sight. Some could even say it had an almost eerie feel to it but for me it was…bliss. Ever since I can remember I’ve always preferred being alone than with others. I’ve never gotten along with others, I was the outcast from day one of primary school and to be honest, I really couldn’t care less. Why should I? The bus stop came into view but to my surprise it was not deserted unlike the street. Curious. Maybe I’m not the only one in the street with a broken alarm clock. I entered the shelter in which a lonesome school student stood . I’ve never saw her before, should I say something? I’ve never been one for talking to people I know ,never mind a complete stranger. It’s times like this when I curse my shyness. She appeared to be Asian, perhaps an exchange student? She was rather slender and her hair was dark as pitch, cut short just above her shoulders and an elegant black bow was pinned on the side. I can’t begin to describe how, well…how beautiful she was. She turned around to face me and spoke, “So, do you always stare at girls?”, with a voice so soft yet so clear. Crap. I have been standing here for what seems like an age staring at her like a fool, just great. I can only imagine how ridiculous I must look right now. I quickly snap out of my daze. “Only the pretty ones” , this just keeps getting better! Out of all the thing I could have said, I just had to say that! To my relief she smiles, a smile as beautiful as her. For what felt like hours but surely only minutes we stand in silence but not an awkward silence. Just…silence. She breaks the tension, “Hi, I’m Haeli, so who would you be?”, which is a pretty ordinary thing to say to a stranger so why did my heart skip a beat. “I’m Jason”. We started talking and within what must have only been minutes we became good friends. Maybe life isn’t so bad after all. Of course there was a catch, when isn’t there? She goes to a different school. So form that day forward everyday after school and at the weekends we met to go a walk to wherever our feet took us.Hey, This is the beginning of my essay for English, just wondering what you think of it?
Wow, excellent. A good beginning to a novel! Of course, I'm comparing your work to the work of American students, and there's little to compare.





OK, some nit picks--





I think I'd edit some superfluous language...';To be honest...'; has little value. Keep ';...no, of course, this...';, it softens the impact. ';This was no dream.'; would be too melodramatic.


';...it was not deserted unlike the street.'; needs work.


'; I’ve never saw her before'; ...I had never seen her before, perhaps?


';Out of all the thing';...I'm sure you mean things, plural.


';...wherever our feet took us.';...perhaps ';wherever our feet would take us.';





Excellent prose. I look forward to your first novel.Hey, This is the beginning of my essay for English, just wondering what you think of it?
I really do like it!


I want to read more!


like srsly... E-MAIL it to me when your done!


im not kidding.





but this one part:





“I’m Jason”. We started talking and within what must have only been minutes we became good friends





I dont know, how they became good friends that fast.. i dunno that sounds a little cheesy.





I don't know what I would say..


but it was REALLY good!!!!!